New Battles

After 2 weeks of camp here at Northwestern, things are shaping up to be pretty good. We're still stacked on ridiculously unhealthy food. There's still a Pink Floyd poster on the wall, but it's sagging a little. There were personal belongings everywhere, but we got sick of living in a little slice of what Will "Go away, I'm eating" Thibeau's room at home probably looks like. Overall, things are well.

Today was Cocoa Puffs' birthday. He celebrated by getting 3 pizzas, then letting everyone else eat it all before I got there. We then took a trip down to our room, and sat around for a while. Double-stick tape does work on walls.
Colin also revealed his true feeling for Cocoa Puffs today. The following is a direct quote. This was not even done as a joke - Colin really said this completely on accident.
"Hey, you wanna have sex - I mean, play xBox?"
Call it a birthday present.

Also, the 4-week Sophomores got a lecture today from the one and only Scott Deatherage, who has coached 7 NDT winners and is an overall legend. After today's lecture, I concluded that he is not, in fact, a legend, but somewhere a little closer to god.

I've fallen asleep twice while writing this. More tomorrow - I'm sure you all can't wait.

Akoz is stealing my pop tarts.

The title isn't a joke. He's enjoying them. They're blueberry flavored.

The past two days, not surprisingly, have been days of cutting cards, practice debates, and finding new ways to have fun after lab. What have we learned? Cocoa Puffs fits into a cardboard box rather nicely.

Much of this time was spent in the library, producing copious amounts of evidence. Rachel took a break from this for a minute so she could talk to her friend from GDS over a videochat. She had earbuds in, but from what she said, I'll let you guess what she was talking about.
"I miss you guys too. Oh, you totally should, he's attractive. He has a big WHAT?"
...Yeah, I thought so too.

Further adventures included shoving Cocoa Puffs into a cardboard box, carrying him up the stairs, leaving him in random suites, and waiting for something interesting to happen. After this got dull, we left him on top of a vending machine and waited to see how things would turn out. This doesn't come as much of a surprise, but people were kinda creeped out, and nobody used the vending machine for the duration of his time up there.

Also, at lunch today, there erupted a heated argument about which toy company is better. Defending Hasbro: our very own Alexander Iannacio. Defending Mattel: Andy "Time to play some Meathouse" McCoy and I. Hasbro has Transformers. Mattel has Hot Wheels. And freakin' Barbie dolls. It's a vote for Mattel already. Even if this doesn't convince you, I took the liberty of "Wikipediaing them bitches" and seeing what the internets have to say about it. Lets take a look-see:
"Mattel Inc. is the world's largest toy importing company based on revenue."
"Hasbro is a U.S. based, multinational toy company. It is one of the largest toy makers in the world, second only to the toy giant Mattel."
Chalk one up for Barbie.
Much to Alex's defense though, as he did point out to us during this argument, Hasbro does have Mr. Potato Head. That's gotta count for something.

A quick note: Alex told me that if this incident was mentioned in my blog, that I would wake up either a) dead, or b) in North Korea. I think for now, I'll take my chances.

I promise, there will be photos coming soon. Cocoa Puffs, don't hate me too much.

Newcomb's Paradox

A week and a half through camp, and it's turning out to be pretty awesome. Colin still says retarded stuff, but that's all part of the experience. To the contrary, the frequency of Jake Saltzman's retarded escapades has become disappointing. Jake, if you're reading this, come immediately to room 242 and do something retarded.

Yesterday, Seth "I go to school in my pool" Gannon gave the most incredible lecture I have ever heard in my life. This involved an in-depth discussion of mind-screwing paradoxes. As Cocoa Puffs declared, "My mind is thoroughly fucked." What made this lecture even more amazing was the fact that this had no clear application to debate - my hypothesis is that Seth got bored, and tried to fill an hour of lab time by slowly destroying our brain cells one by one. But hey, we're fine with it.

More exciting stories from our friends in suite 340 - Apparently, last night Richard Day and Will Thibeau took Adam Kostrinsky, wrapped him in two sheets, tied him up with belts, and then carried him up the stairs to level 4. There, they decided to leave him in girls' suites, knock on doors, and scream loudly. When the girls came out, they were greeted by a squirming Akoz-in-a-sack. Among those afflicted included Haley, which I think is really really funny. I'd imagine the sight before these girls' eyes looked something like this:


It's time for more random notes.

• Andy is an Affirmative pirate.
• I now get unlimited teddy bear hugs from Will Thibeau. This is really awesome.
• Richard, I still can't remember.
• Mitchell: Yes, but it wasn't voluntary.

I might just devote an entire post to pictures tomorrow. Stay tuned.

Chicago

Hola.
First, I'd like to take a moment to address Reid's post. This will take the form of a synopsis of what he said in the last embarrassing post of CMDS. It boils down to this:
"Galperin's stupid. I hate Galperin. Galperin's stupid. Here's a picture of Cartman. I got owned by the soda prank, so I'm just gonna opt to call you naieve, even though I'm the one calling you Blumpkin. Galperin's ugly. Galperin's stupid. People want to kill Galperin. Now I'm gonna make something up about your followers joining CMDS, even though that's not true. Tara Tate is a crazy cat lady. People joined your blog because they hate you. Galperin's stupid. Galperin got killed."
As you can see, there's a tremendous amount of variety in these arguments. Points for originality, Reid, and I really mean that. Seeing as it's late, I'll spare you a proper ass-beating until tomorrow.

Now for the part you've been waiting for.

Today was the day of the much-anticipated Michigan Avenue trip. The day was one of blatant consumerism and fattening foods. In other terms, the American way. After this, a trip was made to the mall for lunch with friends. This involved some orange chicken that was more orange than chicken. After this, we went to the Lego store, where we discovered Jacob's lifelong dream: be a Lego certified professional. And hell, I can respect that now - some of the stuff in this store was insane. At the end of the day, all that can really be said is that Will and Phil are incredible cover models.

After lab, people came over. The festivities included an extra-long twizzler fight, and more hilarious profanity while playing the Y-Cube. This brings me to the Bianchi-ism of the day:
Andy: "Fuck yes!"
Bianchi: "Oh, my TITS!"

Time for some random notes!

• Mitchell: 3/4
• The ladies are going crazy for Colin's sugalumps.
• Laura hates women.
• I'm falling asleep while writing this post.
• Tate's a badass, and it's her birthday. There would be some sort of alliteration going on here, but you would all hate me and stop reading my blog if I did that.
• Eric and Andy's door-sign is so much better now than it was before

Time to go indulge my need for sleep. There might even be photos tomorrow, so I'm sure you're all excited.

A short post.

Hi everyone - seeing as Michigan Avenue is tomorrow, and there's bound to be some fun stuff happening, today's post will be fairly minimal.

We got partnerships today in lab - Yay, my partner is Madeline. To all others in 4-week sophs and beyond: you're about to get pwned. Especially Jacob.

I'm pleased to announce that Andy "Whoever just killed me is a slut" McCoy and Zack "Cocoa Puffs" Marks have officially joined team Muffinlad. This honor was bestowed upon them after a lengthy game of CoD5. Colin "Studly God of War" Bianchi won in the end, but not after a hilarious string of profanity. Here comes your Bianchi-ism of the day.
"Aw, shit, why am I trapped inside the asshole of this building?"

A big shoutout goes out to Maia, who incidentally still owes me a game of ping-pong. Seriously people, I think we all know I'm gonna win.
Also, a shoutout goes out to Jaqui, simply because her Gmail status for most of the day was "3 Girls + 1 Bed = Butt stretches in the morning." I thought it was funny.

Mitchell: Only the other one now.

Will Thibeau is a teddy bear. Colin wants a hug.

Time to go cut more cards and go to bed.

Colin told me throw in some excitement. WOOO!

That's it, I guess.

Humidity

God, it was humid in our room today. Upon further review, this is because our window was open for the past 3 days or so. We're good at some things, but being observant is not one of them.

What you see here is a stack of cokes in suite 340. Today, my colleagues and I sneaked in, stole these 6 cokes, and brought them back to our lair. We then proceeded to write "I ♥ WAMLF" and "Reid Sucks" on each one. After this, we calmly walked into suite 340, arranged them in a pyramid, and took a picture. When we came back later, they were drinking the cokes and enjoying them. This is the ultimate victory - by drinking these cokes, the fine people in suite 340 were broadcasting their support of my blog, and also the fact that Reid sucks for trying to destroy it.

Other news from our friends in room 340 - as I heard from Will "I'm still hungry" Thibeau today, Adam Kostrinsky stripped completely naked yesterday and tried to tackle Richard Day. This was the source of the childish giggling that was reported in the last post. I decided to investigate, and ask Adam why he strips naked at all, and why, of all people, he tackles Richard Day afterwards. He says it's so he can meet hot babes later. After thinking long and hard, this is how I think this pickup line would play out.
Adam: "Hi. I stripped naked and tackled Richard Day."
Woman: "You tell such great stories. Do me."

In other news, our sophomore 4-week lab went to feed radioactive fish at the pond today. After the great Tara "still a badass" Tate distributed loaves of bread, and after Cocoa Puffs ate some of his, we began throwing bread at fish. The ducks wanted to come too, so they did. You would not believe what giant fish and ducks would do for bread - it amazes me. There's definitely some sort of turf-war development going on here.

Konrad and Tessa stopped by today. Konrad got to level 14.

Shoutouts go out to Ninja Duck 1, and Ninja Duck 2.

Azimi, I love you.

Howard, you too.

Richard.... kinda.

Time for more random notes.

• Today in lab, Jaqui was asked just how big her hole was. We're still waiting on her response.
  
• Avi's jokes are hilarious.
• Mitchell: only one.
• Bianchi-ism of the Day: "Dude, during those lecture thingies, I get as thirsty as a ballsack."

Time to go sleep. I hope I don't roll off the top bunk.

Another note

I'd also like to add that someone is stomping around in the room above us. Someone who sounds an awful lot like Will Thibeau is laughing like a little girl, extremely loudly. Seeing as this is at 1:35 in the morning, this is not a good thing.

The Battle Continues.

My respect for Andrew and Layne has sunk even lower. Due to their obvious defeat at the hands of WAMLF, they actually hired someone else to write a blog post for them. This fact in itself can win me the battle, but just for shits and giggles, I'll answer the arguments Reid made. It's time for some line-by-line.

1. Reid tries to make the argument that the only reason I won this war is because people just wanted to see me destroyed. This argument may have been valid until I published a post called "Wartime". Guess what happened after? The subscriptions kept coming. Not only that, but people began explicitly informing me that WAMLF is better than Chickrepellent Dragonfood. These even include the people closest to Markoff and Kirshon - those in Suite 340. I mean, for god's sake, even Layne told me this morning that he is tempted to subscribe to my blog. However, Mr. Ehrlich-Quinn felt it was necessary to take one more futile crack at my blog. I shouldn't even be writing this post.

2. It can be safely concluded that Tara Tate enjoys my blog, sitting eagerly at her computer awaiting the next post. She's also still a badass. Even if you don't buy this, let's take another look at the people endorsing CMDS vs. the people endorsing WAMLF.
Here at the Wondrous Adventures, we are endorsed not only by Tara Tate, but also Seth Gannon, Rajesh Jegadeesh, and Ross Gordon. That's right - an NDT champion, a TOC champion, and an all-around complete badass.
Who does CMDS have? Oh, Adam "I still flip my balls all over other people's faces" Kostrinsky. But I guess that's cool too.

3. The next nonsensical babbling that came out of Reid's blog post was that I think I'm cool because Andrew and Layne attacked me. He used an adorable metaphor, involving two men spearing a pig, thinking of it as below them, and then eating it. As fascinating as this story was to me, I don't believe it was an effective metaphor to describe this situation. Here's the more accurate version:
"Two men are chasing a pig with spears. After really trying their damndest to spear this sexy, witty, and awesome pig, they eventually fail. The pig then goes home, logs onto his computer, and defeats the two men in an epic blog-war. Ashamed, the men ask their friend to spear the pig for them. Their friend fails even more. The pig wins in the end."

If you ask me, it can effectively be concluded that I am still the victor. And if not, check the numbers - they speak for themselves anyway.
Feel free to keep trying, guys - you're bound to tire yourself out at some point.
That is all.

1:09 AM

Hi everyone. Just would like to say, It's awesome to have 42 followers. I love you all, but Colin a little bit more than everyone else. Not that it matters (It does matter), but that's still 14 more than CMDS. Keep up the good work.
A quick war update: Colin suggested that I use the term "blar" to describe this blog-war. I have since stopped talking to him.

Seeing as I spent yesterday's blog post destroying Markoff's and Kirshon's blog, I suppose today will cover the events of yesterday and today.

Today and yesterday were, not surprisingly, spent mostly in lecture, lab, and the library. Some fun stuff happened though, mostly in our breaks between long card-cutting sessions. This involved a dance party with Rachel, Haley, Jacob and That Kid, and plans to nugget Richard "Cut more cards, dammit" Day's backpack. For those of you who have never tried this, it's ridiculously easy - you could nugget this guy's backpack while he's wearing it. Luckily for him, we suddenly had some shred of humanity and decided to save him the strife. But we'll get him eventually.
I also tried logging into Haley's computer when she left to go to the bathroom. For any of you out there trying to achieve the same goal, "I love Galpie" is not her password, much to my disappointment.

Also, it's incredible to me that I have yet to mention anything making fun of Bianchi in any of my blogs. He is, in fact, my roommate, and some of the things he says are just retarded. And they just keep coming, too - I'm seriously considering creating a "Bianchi-isms" section of my blog, to be updated regularly. Here's an example:
"Dammit, facebook makes my computer slower than a sack of balls!"
See what I mean?

These four Y-Cube controllers we have are working out very well. There's been a significant rise in CoD5 competition over lunch breaks. Here comes another quote: this one is when I left a game to go to the bathroom.
Colin: "Dude, just don't shoot the guy who's not moving."
Jacob: "So I can just stand still and I won't get shot?"
-gunshots-
Jacob: "Damn."

Shoutouts go out to Kalie! Halpin and Rachel Levy. Also, Howard, just for fun.

I suppose it's time for some more notes.

• I discovered that you can have real bullet points in blogs. This is awesome.
• In case any of you out there were dying to know, Tate's favorite color is purple. She also likes red and yellow. Also, she's a badass like Blumie and Seth.
• I never posted the results of our attempt to get our food back from Will. As it turns out, Will left his backpack in our room, complete with laptop. This gave us some bargianing chips - we came out of this ordeal with all of our food, and two free Gatorades. They were delicious.
• Colin's new socks were disappointing.
  

That is all.

War...

Because of the fact that I'm going to soon go to sleep, I'll only mention that it took a short, fat, Jewish sophomore only 3 blog posts to make Andrew Markoff and Layne Kirshon jealous enough to attempt to destroy my blog.
Also, we had photos first. So suck it.
Nuff said.

Day 4... maybe.

In case anyone was looking for a general synopsis of the camp experience so far, here's basically what it comes down to.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words; 10 bucks goes to the person who can accurately summarize these in 1000 words. Otherwise, as you can see, we're having fun.

In other news, there's some new sexual activity going on here at Northwestern Debate Camp: Will Thibeau and Phil Sailer seem to have hit it off especially well today, after a conversation about Haley getting other guys' phone numbers. But don't worry - Will later described the sex as "great."

Haley was going to do a guest contributor sort of thing today, but for some reason we didn't get around to it. It's a damn shame too, because I'm sure she would've had some interesting material to contribute.

Much of tonight's after-lab time was spent hanging out in Howie "Imma CTBT yo ass" Akumiah's 380 suite. The night of events included, among other things, the ordering of pizza in an Italian accent, including the alliteration of dirty words, and Haley Tuchman serenading Layne Kirshon with her acoustic rendition of "Whatever You Like." Thus, we present her last name: Haley Touches Men and then gives them money while playing terrible rap songs on an acoustic guitar.

I also learned today that if your lab leader wants to check the quality of the cards you cut, don't give him your laptop with a solitaire window open. And a facebook window open behind that open solitaire window. Luckily, Jordan Blumenthal is cool, so it's all good.

I heard from Adam Kostrinsky today that I'm "blog-blocking" Andrew Markoff. I don't even know what that means, but i heard half of his next blog post is devoted to my blog, so that will be interesting to read. Maybe a little amusing too.

More random notes.

-Mitchell: Halfway.

-The first words Luke Hill said to me: "Dude, you crashed!"

-We now have 4 Y-cube controllers. This means we'll be shooting the shit out of each other on a screen split into 3.5 - inch sections. We are all expected to develop serious cases of lazy eye, or something of the sort.

-Subscribe. Colin's getting hungry.

Ev and the Y-Cube.

Here comes the next thrilling installment. Ready? Go!

Today was bearable. Tate's lecture was pretty awesome (hooray for the Beef Disad), but then any remaining perkiness that is to be expected of the short Jewish boy was squeezed out of me brutally. This was done by hours upon hours of cutting cards in the library before dinner, throughout dinner, and then after dinner.

Otherwise, we're hanging in the dorms now and things are back to normal. There's some intense CoD5 action going on between Jacob "arrogance is a virtue" Hurwitz and Colin "You mean we're supposed to cut cards?" Bianchi. Bianchi's winning, but there are some hilarious exclamations coming from the other side of the room. For example:
Jacob: "fuck. Fuck! FUCK YEAH!"
Colin: "Tits, this gun is balls!"

Jake Saltzman stopped by too. He's yet to do something retarded and hilarious, but I'll be sure and post an extra news flash if he does. The frequency of these incidents is becoming disappointing.

There's also some news from the seniors that I heard about today: Adam Kostrinsky got a work detail for "weird shit." I'm sure you'll hear all about that from Andrew Markoff's blog, who, incidentally, I met yesterday. He's a cool guy.

We took a little break for a fire drill today. Not surprisingly, the last person out of the building was Phil Sailer. The first question everyone made sure to ask was "Is his girlfriend here too?" Haley was, in fact outside, so no harm done. This would make the most appropriate last name "Haley touches men then gives them money, but not Phil if there's a fire drill"

A big shoutout goes out to Alyssa "The Destroyer" Zimmer.

Time for some random notes, I suppose.

-Upon meeting him, it can be confirmed that Layne Kirshon is, in fact, a badass.

-To Mitchell: Not Yet

-Will Thibeau told me to sit down today and I didn't. He then tried to kick my legs out and failed. I win.

-Foreign tic-tacs are delicious.

-This blog is in day 3 and it already have 8 subscribers. Keep em coming, or Colin will abuse you sexually.

Time to go cut more cards. Can't wait.

Day 2

Welcome back. Jacob's complaining about something.

Day 2 marked the beginning of the 4-week sophomores lab, and it is pretty damn cool, aside from the fact that our room has 4 electrical outlets for 34 people. Seth Gannon and Jordan Blumenthal are total badasses, and Tate is just... Tate. But that's a good thing.

Aside from this, something incredible happened. Ladies and gentlemen, Haley Tuchman has gotten a work detail, and it didn't even take 8 hours. I didn't know it could be done, but she surprises me once again. I'm sure her riveting account of this shocking development will be coming your way in the next blog post.

Also, in classic GBS fashion, Jake Saltzman has done something retarded and hilarious again. The following is a direct quote, from when he attempted to order a pizza.
"You want my name? It's Jake. Address? Well, I'm in a dorm right now... Do you want my home address, or the address of the dorm? Oh, good. Kemper Hall."

On an unrelated note, after reading the previous blog post, Will "Give me your food" Thibeau proposed that I keep regular tabs on the status of Haley's last name, so here goes:
I suppose the appropriate last name in this case would be "Haley Touches Men for free, at work detail"

I'd also like to add that Will just barged in and stole the food. He also smelled like crap. After a lengthy struggle with Colin "Please don't take my food" Bianchi, involving much rolling around on my mattress, I now get to sleep in essence of Will Thibeau. This is an unfortunate development.

A shoutout goes out to Mitchell "Herro Prease!" Bigelow, and Jon Choi, for whom I do not have a nickname at this time.

I've got work to do, so I'll leave you hanging on the random notes of the day.

That is all.

Welcome.

Welcome.
There's a Pink Floyd poster on the wall, we're stacked on ridiculously unhealthy food, and various personal belongings litter the floor. If this is day one, the next 4 weeks are gonna shape up to be interesting.

Much to my delight, Colin's balls have yet to enter my mouth. I suppose I'll try and hold out for as long as I can. This seems like a war I'm going to lose - I just hope I'm either asleep or unconscious when this happens.

That Kid is spreading.

Other people worth mention are Jacob "My Hair is Disgusting" Hurwitz, Colin "Wolverine" Bianchi, Howard "Sex Panther" Akumiah, Andrew "Effing Ninja" Huie, and who knows, maybe Haley will stop by.

News flash - she did stop by. She's eating oreos with peanut butter.


Time for some random notes.


-Update on Haley's last name: She now Touches Men and then gives them money. This is a significant upgrade from That Other Kid's previous version, "Haley Touches Men for free."

-Will and Richard stopped by today. Not surprisingly, they searched for the well-hidden food, and upon not finding it, beat the shit out of Colin.

-14 inch TV's are too small.

-Jacob, it's pronounced "See - Tee - Bee - Tee"


That is all.